Feeling weird

Lately, I've been feeling kind of strange. I think "unsettled" would be a better word. It's been bordering on emo at points, for the past week. And finally I think I've figured out why.

You see, a lot of it has to do with going from exam-mode to non-exam mode, temporarily. For me, it's tough to go from doing so much and working my ass off to just "relaxing." I actually get really uncomfortable relaxing. Sitting in front of the TV on the couch makes me feel VERY guilty and as if I'm wasting my life. So then I feel like I should do something, but of course sometimes rest is good. And then I get mad at myself for forcing myself to go out when I'm not really into it. Essentially what this paragraph states is that I'm sad I can't just chill the eff out. Apparently I've lost that; I feel happier when I have a to-do list and am accomplishing things. Sometimes I wish this wasn't true though.

Secondly, with classes over and exams (almost!!!) done, it's forced me to confront what's next on the horizon. It means that in 4 short months, this bubble of academia will be popped. In the meantime, it means I need to write my dissertation (which I am dreading), squeeze in travel and fun, and say some tough goodbyes.

More importantly, though, it means I need to plan my life out. And I'm not just talking about finding a job --- that should be challenge enough in this peachy economy. I'm more concerned about where to end up and what to do. Let's tackle each separtately:

a) Where to Live

This is a major concern for me. See, my dual citizenship is both a blessing and a curse. It means I can stay here and work, no problems, no visas, nadda. While this is incredibly exciting, it's also terrifying. See my current plan is to apply for jobs both in London (England) and Toronto, as well as a few random European cities for shits, and see what pops up. As my dad oversimplified to me: "Go where the best job comes." But is it that easy? Your environment plays a big role in your life. London seems amazing and vast but also crowded and hectic. I wonder if Toronto is much better, though - just smaller and less rain but more snow.

Also, what if I get, by luck, two equally good jobs in the UK and Canada? Which do I take? Deciding which CONTINENT to live on isn't simple. I thought I would be in heaven here when I came over, but it's been a major adjustment. Much better now, of course, but am I currently viewing London with rose-coloured glasses? I fear I may move there and be miserable.

Then, the same applies for TO....what if I move back and wish I was still here. Kinda too late. London appeals because I'd make some pounds and have the chance to travel Europe since they get more vacay days here. Toronto appeals because its closer to home, people are more polite, and it's cheaper. Pros and cons, friends.

b) Ok, so moving onto WHAT to Do.

Good question. I know I want to either do "management consultancy" or something in "marketing," which is essentially my way of saying I don't want to be an accountant or banker. Still, that's vague and I have experience in neither.


All of this existential questioning has really overwhelemed me. Meanwhile, my boredom/current freedom has underwhelmed me. Both simultaneously.

Kids, this is one fork in the road I am approaching and have no clue what to do. And that terrifies me to death. Or more aptly, to turn to my laptop, watch some movies, sleep lots, and escape from that big scary decision. S.O.S.

On a plus side, one of my friends said I have amazing taste in music today. That perked me up a bit - because I think I do.